L. A. WAVES: Right. (Clears throat.) So I assume you know why you’re here?
WHITELOCK: Not a clue.
L. A. WAVES: You don’t know why you’re here? Why did you step into my office, then?
WHITELOCK: I smelled whiskey.
L. A. WAVES: (Casts a laconic look at an open bottle of liquor on the desk, and pours two glasses.) Yeah. I figured I would be needing it today. So to bring you up to speed: I’m trying to hire a crew for a rather unusual pirate ship I wish to launch into the open sea. Bit of a lifelong project of mine, if you will.
WHITELOCK: (Takes a long sip.) I see. Will you be assuming captaincy?
L. A. WAVES: Uh, no. I’m the shipowner. Why do you ask?
WHITELOCK: Because unless you are planning on making me Captain, I don’t see the point in having this conversation.
L. A. WAVES: (Looks Whitelock up and down critically.) Bit cocky, aren’t we? But I must admit, you do look the part.
WHITELOCK: Drink it in, don’t be shy. You grant me the Captain’s cabin on that vessel of yours, and I shall command that beauty with the firm and experienced hand that has made countless women swoon from pure, unbridled pleasure.
L. A. WAVES: … My ship is not meant to be your personal cathouse, you know.
WHITELOCK: Heavens, no. It shall be my escape route after cracking Jenny’s occasional teacup.
L. A. WAVES: Wow. I gotta say, I am not loving the pitch so far. I’m all for banter and conviviality, but a pirate Captain must inspire authority and confidence.
WHITELOCK: And what about me does not fulfill such requirements, exactly?
L. A. WAVES: Well, for one, you came into this office already soused to the gills. And you seem more interested in bragging and sleeping around than anything else.
WHITELOCK: A glorious example to set on a pirate ship, if I do say so myself. My crew shall feel at ease, knowing they can let themselves go and enjoy life’s pleasures without remorse. Wanna hire an old fogey to keep your crew in line while stuck in a ship for months on end without a bit of fun? Good luck with that.
L. A. WAVES: I guess that makes sense, although if you keep up this drinking pace, you might not live to actually see any crew enjoy your philosophy. At any rate—no matter what you say, the crew must be reined in somehow. How would you go about that?
WHITELOCK: Easy. Make the crew small. One competent hand per station. That way, they are all indispensable, and much too busy to think of mutiny. There shall be a Code to keep rules enforced and visible at all times. And whoever disobeys it will receive punishment harsh enough to make them think twice before transgressing again.
L. A. WAVES: Will they? I’m sorry, I have trouble visualizing you delivering such severe punishment on the crewmates. You don’t look like a bloodthirsty sadist to me.
WHITELOCK: Oh, please. I abhor physical punishment. Fret not: I have a penchant for locating the spots to hit where it hurts most. Trust me—it shall suffice.
L. A. WAVES: (Cocks an eyebrow.) Right. Look, I think I’ll be considering other options for the captaincy. It was a pleasure to…
WHITELOCK: If you don’t hire me, I shall rate this interview with one star for boring me to death.
L. A. WAVES: …
WHITELOCK: …
L. A. WAVES: You’re hired.